The Journal Gazette
Saturday, January 18, 2020 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Oscar nominations

“The nominees are so white, this year's Oscars are being held at Pottery Barn.” – Jimmy Fallon

“This surprised a lot of people, though: 'Frozen 2' didn't get nominated for best animated feature. The producer was like, 'If one more person texts me “Let it go,” I am going to snap.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“As usual, there's a lot of controversy about the nominations. First of all, none of the nominations for best director are women. Yeah, you know there is a problem when female directors got the same number of nominations as 'Cats.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“Actually, Universal, the studio that made 'Cats,' pulled the movie from Oscar contention. That's like Mike Pence pulling out of contention for a 'Soul Train' award – it's unnecessary.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“If you take out 'Parasite,' women probably have 10 minutes of dialogue in all the other films combined. Like, there's no reason women shouldn't have bigger roles in these movies, except for '1917' because women weren't invented till the '30s. That's a fact.” – Trevor Noah

Cory Booker drops out

“Whatever happens in November, America will not be electing a black president. And you know, Obama must be secretly happy about this. Yeah, he's probably in Martha's Vineyard like, 'Ah, that's right. Ah, first and last, (expletive)! I'm the blackest of all time!'” – Trevor Noah

She said, he said

Elizabeth Warren said on Monday that Bernie Sanders, a rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, told her in 2018 that he did not believe a woman could win a presidential election. Sanders denied Warren's claim during Tuesday's debate, and suggested that recordings from years past contradicted her.

“In his defense, back in 1919, Bernie Sanders was one of the first senators to support a woman's right to vote.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“There's been a lot of speculation about what was being said. Some said she didn't want to shake Bernie's hand because it smells like Brylcreem and gefilte fish.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“But this is a rare and unexpected rift between the senators. I mean, up until now, Bernie and Elizabeth Warren have spent just about every debate looking like a married couple at a diner complaining that their soup isn't hot enough.” – Jimmy Kimmel

Debate so white

“Earlier tonight in Iowa was the first Democratic debate of 2020. Of course, the top candidates are still Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren. They look like a '60s folk band that reunited for one final tour.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Six candidates, all of them white, which is amazing odds. I mean, even a carton of eggs will sometimes have a brown one thrown in accidentally.” – Trevor Noah

“And for a party that started out so diverse, nobody wanted to see this happen. The only person who was happy was Greta Thunberg. Yeah, because the stage was so white it reflected sunlight back into the atmosphere.” – Trevor Noah

“Tonight's debate was so white, people who turned on their TVs were like, 'Wait, I thought the Oscars were next month.'” – James Corden

Lev Parnas

“It turns out that one of Rudy Giuliani's associates, Lev Parnas, actually wrote a note (on Ritz-Carlton stationery) that said, 'Get Zelensky to announce that the Biden case will be investigated.' Trump was furious. He was like, 'You stayed at the Ritz instead of one of my hotels?'” – Jimmy Fallon

Sign up for our Opinion newsletter

Sent daily

Share this article