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The Journal Gazette

Saturday, August 12, 2017 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Conan O'Brien

“The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming 'Happy Birthday' to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep.”

“Vice President Mike Pence denies he's planning to run for president in 2020. He said, 'I'm pretty sure I'll be president way before then.' ”

“The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he's hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general.”

Seth Meyers

“According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn't sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of 'I Survived.'

“I'm pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band.”

Stephen Colbert

“(World Wrestling Entertainment) has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It refers to one of the Bible's most quoted verses, John 3:16: 'For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.' Or, as the WWE will now put it, 'Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!' ”

Jimmy Fallon

“President Trump started his big vacation. But before he left, he visited FEMA's headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them.”

“The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, 'Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.' ”

“Tonight was the finale of 'The Bachelorette.' Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with.”

James Corden

“Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks.”

Jimmy Kimmel

“President Trump is about to go on vacation. He's off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe.”

“President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course. Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It's like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together.”