Skip to main content

The Journal Gazette

Saturday, January 13, 2018 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Jimmy Kimmel

“The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. The kid who threw the winning pass is the backup quarterback. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school.”

James Corden

“This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We're very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know.”

“The White House officially responded to the news that Oprah might run saying, 'We welcome all comers.' Yeah, which is very easy to remember, cuz it's the exact opposite of their immigration policy.”

Jimmy Fallon

“Hey, I want to wish everyone a happy 2018! A lot of people are making New Year's resolutions. Some people are losing weight – while the president's losing his mind.

“Yeah, Trump tweeted that he's a 'genius.' Then he said, 'In fact, that's what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for, Donald Genius Trump.' ”

“Over the weekend, Eric Trump celebrated his 34th birthday at a Mexican restaurant, and he and Don Jr. wore sombreros. Which backfired when their dad had them deported.”

“At the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.”

Stephen Colbert

“People were immediately calling Oprah's speech presidential. And a year ago, I would have agreed. But these days it plays a little coherent.”

“President Trump held a bipartisan meeting on immigration reform, focused mainly on reforming our policy of having immigrants. The stakes are high. If the two sides can't find a compromise the federal government is going to shut down on Jan. 20, or as historians call it: one year too late.”

Seth Meyers

“Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that Oprah Winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. I don't know what he said next, but it had to be, 'Why is everybody laughing?' ”

“According to new analysis, President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. But only when he doesn't want Betsy DeVos to know what he's talking about.”