“Donald Trump Jr. has released a new book today called 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us,' as opposed to its working title, 'Dad, Do You Love Me Yet?' ” – Seth Meyers
“If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the ignored children's section.” – Jimmy Fallon
“But one of the more interesting personal tidbits in the book is the defense of accusations that his father is a racist. He wrote, 'Oh, and by the way, given all the things my father's been called – particularly a racist – it sure sounds odd that his son would be allowed to vacation with a black man or hang out with Michael Jackson, doesn't it?' Yes, it does sound odd. That sounds very odd. Nothing says I love my son more than leaving him alone in a room with Michael Jackson. Your father's not racist; he's insane.” – Jimmy Kimmel
“ 'That guy always creeped me out,' said Michael Jackson.” – Seth Meyers
So it's not squid pro quo?
“According to (former European Union ambassador Gordon Sondlund), incriminating testimony from other witnesses, like Bill Taylor, 'refreshed my recollection about certain conversations.' [imitating Sondland] 'Huh, you know what? That testimony I just heard really refreshed the old noodle here. You know, it made me remember one important detail: that I don't want to go to jail for perjury.' ” – Stephen Colbert
“Wow, so this guy is just revising the testimony he gave under oath? We can't even edit our tweets, but this guy is walking into Congress just like, 'Oh, you said “quid pro quo.” I thought you said “squid pro quo.” “Quid” makes so much more sense. Yeah, we totally did one of those.' ” – Trevor Noah
“OK, if that's something you just remembered, just think of all the small stuff you're forgetting. Somewhere, there's a 40-year-old man still waiting to be picked up from soccer.” – Seth Meyers
Wall of illusion
“Just after Trump bragged about his super wall, we learned that smugglers have been cutting through the new border wall with basic tools that you can buy at any hardware store. And I wouldn't be shocked if the guys at Home Depot showed the smugglers how to do it because – because those guys will help you with any project. Yeah, they don't judge.
“For four years, this guy told us this wall would be impenetrable. But now he's like, 'Of course you can cut through anything.' In a span of a few hours, the wall went from Dwayne 'the Rock' Johnson to literally any other guy named Dwayne.” – Trevor Noah
“Trump attended a UFC fight at Madison Square Garden and he was greeted with a mix of cheers and some boos. Trump was like, 'Wow, this reminds me of my wedding day.' ” – Jimmy Kimmel
“This should be Trump's crowd! Do you know how hard it is for an old white guy to get booed at a UFC event?
“It's the official sport of men who buy their groceries at the gas station.” – Stephen Colbert
“Donald Trump getting booed at the UFC is like Mayor Pete getting booed at Gap Kids – it shouldn't happen.” – Jimmy Kimmel