The Journal Gazette
 
 
Saturday, April 04, 2020 1:00 am

Late-night laughs

Fauci fever

“A seafood restaurant on Long Island has named a dish after infectious disease expert and coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci, which features linguine in a white clam sauce. They also have a dish named after Trump where you order 30,000 fried shrimp and then a month later they bring you three fish sticks.” —  Seth Meyers

“People are just like, 'I gotta get me some of that Fauci. You know he got that vaccine, girl.' Who's sexier than Fauci? No one's sexier. If People magazine doesn't put him on the cover, they're wasting their lives.” — Trevor Noah

“You can actually buy a Dr. Fauci bobblehead doll. This bobblehead is a little different because whenever it hears a Trump press conference, it slowly shakes its head back and forth.” — Jimmy Fallon

New York state of panic

“Last night, the (Empire State) building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. '[Expletive], dude! I think we're getting pulled over by that building!' ”— Trevor Noah

“Yep, everyone was confused by the red and white flashing lights. At first, New Yorkers thought it meant Target finally got a shipment of toilet paper.” — Jimmy Fallon

The numbers are in

After President Donald Trump bragged in a tweet about the ratings for his daily coronavirus news conferences.

“Just because people are watching you doesn't mean it's good. Have you heard of 'The Masked Singer'? Right now half of this country is watching a show about a bunch of toothless meth heads abusing tigers.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“We're only trapped inside watching because you kept ignoring the crisis and pretending it would go away until it was too late. We're forced to stay inside and watch you because you screwed up. More people than ever are playing Scrabble right now, but it sure as hell isn't because Scrabble is fun.” —  Seth Meyers

Hopping to it

“The positive news is the president for once appears to have listened to someone. Despite originally saying everybody wll be back to work by Easter, he announced he will extend social distancing guidelines through April 30, so Purell has frozen over. I'm honestly surprised he didn't just say he's moving Easter.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“On the plus side, you can still spend Easter the way you always do — by completely forgetting about it until your mom calls and you lie about going to church.” —  Seth Meyers

Pillow talk

“During President Trump's press briefing yesterday about the pandemic, he invited the founder of MyPillow to speak, at which point I used my pillow to scream into.

“That's right, the founder of MyPillowspoke at a coronavirus press briefing yesterday and encouraged Americans to use the time they're self-isolating to read their Bibles. Oh, I don't know — between the plague and the false idol next to you, I think the Bible is going to feel redundant.”— Seth Meyers

“President Trump was warned about coronavirus by his advisers as early as Jan. 18 — and he dismissed it for months. So as much as Trump wants to blame China for downplaying the virus, he himself ignored all the messages that his experts were giving him. And he didn't ignore them once, he didn't ignore them twice, he ignored them countless times. Like if we were back in Bible times, Trump would have heard the burning bush and then just thrown water on it. [imitating Trump] 'Ah, finally! That bush was so annoying.' ” — Trevor Noah


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