The Journal Gazette
Saturday, January 15, 2022 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Potted plant

Research shows cannabis compounds can prevent COVID-19.

“This would be interesting. All this time we've been listening to the CDC, we should have been eating CBD.

“You know, it's funny – all these crazy cures, I'm like 'Oh, that's ridiculous.' Ivermectin, the horse dewormer; bleach. And then somebody says marijuana prevents COVID, I'm like 'Oh, really? Do tell.' ” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Great news for all the teenagers whose parents find weed in their room: 'Oh, Mom, I see you found the COVID-stopping compounds that I hid in my sock drawer. Those aren't mine. No, no. Those aren't mine. I'm just holding them for my friend, Tony Fauci.'

“The pot enters the body and asks COVID, 'Are you a cell? You have to tell me if you're a cell.' ” – Stephen Colbert

Omicron and on and on ...

“Thanks to omicron, the seven-day average for newly reported cases in the U.S. topped 700,000. Seven hundred thousand! That's the population of Denver, and you know you're in trouble when you're higher than the people of Denver.” – Stephen Colbert

“Well, guys, today, the CEO of Pfizer said that its vaccine for the omicron variant will be ready in March. So get ready for the craziest St. Patrick's Day in the history of the world.

“It feels like this March Madness, we'll be filling out brackets to predict which of the 68 variants will become the dominant strain.” – Jimmy Fallon

“Scientists are currently disputing a new study that claims to have discovered a so-called deltacron strain of the coronavirus. It combines the delta and omicron variants, and the only thing that can stop it is the Pfizerna vaccine.” – Seth Meyers

“Getting Omicron is superpopular. I hear it's dating Pete Davidson.

“He's got that BDE – that big Delta energy.

“And now, I don't know what's going on because the United States reported 1.5 million new infections yesterday. That is terrible, but kind of sweet that we all gave each other the same thing for Christmas.

“Soon, there's going to be almost as many people in hospitals as there are TV shows about hospitals.” – Stephen Colbert

“The CDC is reportedly considering updating its coronavirus guidance to recommend that people wear N95 or KN95 masks – or barring that, just 95 masks.” – Seth Meyers

“The White House just announced that insurers will have to cover eight at-home virus tests per month. Eight per month, so, one for every new variant.” – Stephen Colbert

Testing, testing

“Speaking of COVID tests, the state of Florida let a million COVID tests expire in a warehouse, but now the FDA has decided to extend the expiration dates. When they heard that, every New York hot dog vendor was like, 'Is that really safe to do that?'

“Yeah, the FDA just extended the expiration dates. When they heard that, the CDC said, 'Hey, making up rules as you go is our thing.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

“This is great for folks down in Florida who need tests, but even better for me, because the FDA is finally confirming what I've known for years: Expiration dates are a myth, a mere suggestion.” – Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Florida was like, 'You can put any date on them if you want, we're still not going to use them. We don't care.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

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