The Journal Gazette
Saturday, May 14, 2022 1:00 am

Late night laughs

Out to pasture

“Well guys, today President Biden visited a farm in Illinois, where he announced new steps to fight rising food costs and inflation. You know your presidency is in rough shape when your staff is like, 'It's time to drive you to a farm upstate.'

“Yeah, when Biden first arrived, a Secret Service agent was like, 'Older McDonald is on the farm. E-I-E-I-O.'

“But this is strange: At one point Biden actually walked into a corn field and slowly disappeared: 'If you build back better, votes will come.' ” – Jimmy Fallon

In the year 1865

“Even though a strong majority of American voters want those rights protected, every Democrat voted in favor of the bill except Joe Manchin, who voted with his fellow Republicans.

“With the Supreme Court likely to overturn Roe v. Wade, the Democrats wanted to get their counterparts on the record opposing it. Chuck Schumer said he called for the vote so we would know where Republicans stand. Turns out, they're standing in the year 1865.

 “It almost feels like maybe we shouldn't have let the host of 'Celebrity Apprentice' pick three Supreme Court justices, you know?” – Jimmy Kimmel

Italian connection

“Earlier today, President Biden met with the prime minister of Italy at the White House. It was Mario Draghi's first trip to Washington. Italy's prime minister, Mario Draghi – or as Joe Biden calls him, 'Freddie Spaghetti.'

“It was a friendly meeting. Biden opened with, 'Welcome, or as they say in your country, when you're here, you're family.'

“This is true: back at home, the prime minister is facing growing dissent, even from his own party. When Biden heard this, he was like, 'Nice, man – me too.' ”– James Corden

Mother of a message

“This weekend was Mother's Day, of course. Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. And I saw that first lady Jill Biden spent the day in Ukraine and met with the Ukrainian first lady. Yeah, basically, Joe got her an Edible Arrangement for Mother's Day and Jill was like, 'You know what? I'm going to go to Ukraine – I'm good.' ”– Jimmy Fallon

“To be fair, it was the only place that still had an availability for brunch.” – James Corden

“This is when you really see the difference between our current president and the last one. So Joe Biden yesterday tweeted to his wife: 'Happy mother @flotus. You're the love of my life and the life of my love. You bring me joy and laughter every day, and I'm so grateful for everything you do for our family.' Very sweet. So Trump, then – Trump chose more of a 'Yo Momma's Day' message.

“On Truth Social, he wrote: 'Happy Mother's Day to all, including racist, vicious, highly partisan, politically motivated and very unfair radical left Democrat judges, prosecutors, district attorneys, and attorney generals, who campaign unrelentingly against you without knowing a thing, and endlessly promise to take you down.' This is his Mother's Day tweet, OK? 'After years of persecution, even the fake news says there is no case or, at best, it would be very hard to bring. someday soon they will start fighting record-setting violent crime. I love you all!' And yeah, it's a harsh message, but you know, if you color it in a little bit, it's actually quite sweet.” – Jimmy Kimmel

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